hints and wishes

I turned 25 around a month ago and the new year just started so this makes the first post for 2010.I actually had a draft written on my birthday but never got around to finish it.

Honestly if people were to ask me a week ago how was my year in 2009 and being 24 the only word that I can think of is painful.There were so many disappointments, anger and heart ache.....in fact I really think the amount of tears last year must have been double or triple compared to the past years.It get to the point that I forgot how lucky I am and started questioning why other people seemed to have an easier life than me.

Few nights ago though, while trying to sleep I suddenly remembered something someone used to tell me before. It was when you have a wish and you wish on it hard enough, god will create a path for you to get to your wish and He will keep giving hints along the way, it's just up to you to pick up the hints and go towards realizing your wishes.It hit me that it is true, god had given me so many chances and hints for me to get out of my troubles and to get what I wanted for but somehow I kept on missing the hints sometimes even ignoring it.It's not that people have it easier than me or they are luckier than me, they were just smart enough to pick up the hints.

So now that I've turned 25 and not that young anymore, I just wish that I would start picking the hints, stop blaming fates and just do my best in everything I do.At least when I've done my best even if I've failed at something it will be easier for me to move on.In 2009, I just want someone to save me and give me solutions and be a hero for me, I realized though that I have to do all that myself cause my life is my own responsibilities. My wish are really simple actually, I don't hope for luxuries now, I just wish that I can be a daughter that my parents can depend on.My parents are not physically fit anymore to work so I wish I could just let them rest and breathe easy.I hope I could stop being so weak and that god will not give up on me even though I know that I've been quite a disappointment. I just failed on something recently but it's ok tomorrow is a new day and I will move on soon enough.Wow I rambled so much in just 1 post I don't even think anyone wants to read this. End.

yet another post u don't wanna read

For some reason,I felt depress today.At first I thought it's because I'm at work when everyone else are enjoying their weekend but it's not.I was browsing some sites today,just some stuff that I considered of doing in future recommended by my colleagues and I realized that I have no confidence in doing all that at all.It just hit me that I have no clue what I'm gonna do next in life and even when I have a slight hint I really don't think I can do it.When have I reduced myself to someone who worth nothing at all.Nowadays instead of getting mad when people scold me on not doing my work right I just thought yeah when have I done anything right anyway.Up till when do I need to keep doing this job.This job where human treat others like they don't deserve to be treated at the same level as other human.I know that probably most people my age are still finding their directions and as clueless as I am but I don't know,I just can't explain how empty I felt.The feeling of being a failure,I don't want to feel this anymore.Probably I'm feeling like this cause of my headache since the past week now.My vision is deteriorating ever since I started work and I have to really really try hard to focus on words on screen to be able to read it.But when I did that,terrible headaches start coming.Seriously hate this.Probably I need to get my blood pressure checked.I think it's causing all this.End.

human nature?

If there's anything that sicken me more than working itself,it will be what I learnt about other human while working.It really gets on my nerve how some people particularly asian who I contacted with succumb to the idea of worshiping the westerners as if they are god without any force in this 21st century after the imperialism have left us so long ago.I guess the brits did a really good job last time brainwashing us with the ideas that they are better in all sense and we the asian just can't do anything right.We might as well not get our independence if this is the way how some asian are thinking.There's this 1 particular case where there's a singaporean who asked for some assistance and she said she didn't think us malaysian can solve her problem and she asked for her issue to be directed to the new zealand site.We didn't even had the chance to even look at the problem yet.Further communications with her were full of her scolding on and on about how we didn't know how to do our job but once the mat saleh called her she suddenly turned soft and all her anger vanished.I don't even know if she realized that the new zealand guys and us malaysian are all in the same company.It suddenly make sense to me how my fake australian accent garner me more respect than when the times I talk in my usual way to some people over the phone just cause maybe they thought I'm from the western country.These people who look down on the asian are asian too mind you.I guess maybe their boss should just replace them with a westerner instead since to them the westerners do a better job anyway.Maybe that's what it will take to get these people to be more respectful to other.I'm not saying that all asians are capable of doing good jobs neither am I saying that they can't but whatever races people are if they are willing to lend you some help shouldn't they deserve some respect and acknowledgement?Seriously,some human just don't really deserve the life they are living.

On a happier note,congratulations pu3 for delivering such a precious baby to the world.Welcome to the world little zara.I was gonna upload the picture I took earlier on of her but I didn't even upload it to my pc yet but she is sooo comel I felt like kidnapping her.End.

the draft that make it

Seems like I left this blog for quite some time already but it's ok fatin lagi lama.I honestly wrote a few drafts before but I didn't get to finish it either because I was too distracted/too exhausted so sleep early/too emo so all of them weren't published.But no loss knowing me the posts must have been filled with angry writings anyway.I should really buy the miss emo t shirt if I found one.I'm not even sure if this post would made it either.Life have been same old..... ok actually it have been more difficult lately at work but I'm currently on the effort of taking things the way it is and stop being so angry when things don't go my way. I have also come to terms that being angry over others selfishness just gonna make me sick. So right now I'm distracting myself with other things namely project nippon, sometimes I'm worried if we planned too much or being too organized on things but there's no choice, planning is a must and it's fun anyway.I actually have lots of worries clouding my mind now but I realized worrying don't get things solved, only if I do something about it then I deserve the right to wallow in self-pity.

I honestly have a very very bad habit of not answering emails and sms and I think some people are growing tired of it so I'm sorry.It's especially since I started working if I get any emails and sms while I'm working or after work I would only remember to reply them a few days after I get the emails or sms so I just don't bother sometimes.So my resolution from now on is to answer anything I get on time and answer phone calls even if I'm already asleep.So random.Ok end.

raya' 09

I hate it when the pc was spoilt I seemed to have a million things to blog about but when right now, I can blog as much as I want I forgot everything so this will be very random.

Oh selamat hari raya to everyone.I am honestly rather sad that ramadhan was over like in a blink of the eyes cause I actually enjoyed working in ramadhan month.I don't have to think about my lunch,I get to leave work earlier,there seemed to be iftar outings with different people every week and of course the 1 week break for raya.Besides, because I was too hungry and tired most of the time I can seemed to ignore all the things that usually could annoy me otherwise. But of course good things have to come to an end.This raya has been quite monotonous,I really can't remember anything other than eating every 5 minutes and sleeping in between.I know it's not healthy but it's my break.

Oh I brought the kids to petrosains on the 3rd raya and my god it seemed all the schoolkids in malaysia decided to go there on that day too.There were so many people and I have to fight my way with other kids to let my cousins play the games that they wanted to play cause other kids kept on hogging the games.

I worked on last Saturday and guess what after half a day only I realized that I wore 1 side of my sandal different than the other sandal at the other feet.No wonder I felt imbalance when I walked cause the sandals have different heights fml.

I really don't get why my mom's friends kept on wanting to matchmake their sons and me.Their sons are around my age for god's sake let them choose their own la.Thank god my mom isn't the kind of mother that agree to things like that.Err this will be an abrupt end.End.