yada yada yada

There were so many times that I thought of shutting this blog.Not because I'm scared of who might be reading this but because I somehow felt rather embarassed with all my whinings and complaints in here.Honestly,I hate that part of me so so much.The part that whines,crying in silence and just plainly angry sometimes.It speaks a lot of how weak I am.I don't know why I'm still keeping this blog though.I guess it somehow put my life in perspective.

I thought of blogging but my thoughts are pretty jumbled up so I'll just blog with whatever that comes to mind.

1)I have these thoughts one day.Why does human always cloud their mind with unhappy thoughts which sometimes reject other thoughts that are much more worthwhile?Or is it just me?There were so many instances that my mind were so occupied with people who make me sad that I forgot all the other ones who constantly gave me encouragement despite not knowing me much.Needless to say,I realized all these so much later and really felt like a fool.

2)Now, I understand the meaning of selfless love.It's when despite you being unhappy you still keep doing what you have to do just to make your loved ones relieved of their burden and just smile.Despite that,I do think having such kind of love is a blessing enough.

3)I spent a few days with my dad recently cause he have some work here.I always wonder what other people think of when they saw me and my dad having dinner or watching movies just the 2 of us.Do they know he's my dad or they think that I just have a much older boyfriend/husband.i think it's the later cause maybe it's just me but people seem to be giving out strange looks.

A reminder to self:Stop telling him how unhappy you are.

I did that and my dad was so affected emotionally that I am so filled with regrets after that.

4)I learnt now that as long as you don't have much experience in life you are not entitled to judge people.

For example you can only talk about integrity when you don't have the priviledge or not in the position that holds any power.But,when you are in the position to use up that power you still can't judge those who don't have them.What I'm trying to say is that human can only show their true self when opportunities presented themselves despite how self-righteous you are.

Am I making sense?

End.

Boring pointless post (don't read)

Now I realized what is the factor that made me broke at the end of each month,it's food.I do know that I really really love eating but I never realized that I like it this much.Every time I am depress,miserable,tired,or get scolded by almost 10 different people in one day (which is almost everyday now) I would treat myself to my favourite foods which sometimes are not cheap.At that moment I don't even mind eating alone just to have a moment where I'm at peace.As a result I spent so much that I can't afford to buy things I need like clothes.The last time I bought a new clothes must have been at least 6 months back or more.Actually it's not that all my money went to food but I still need to save up for the holiday trip.

Yesterday,my mind felt so tired that I spent 5 minutes crying in the toilet.Even when I'm typing this I felt really pathetic. That's my first time crying cause of feeling tired.Actually before that there were some people who yelled at me but I don't think I cried because of that.By now I've kinda get used to people yelling and cursing at me.To think back now the amount of tears I cried for the past few months must have been like half of what I cried my whole life.Right now that fact seems rather funny in a way.Ah well that's life I guess.End.

sleep

I thought of not sleeping the whole night yesterday cause I should be sleeping today's morning or afternoon instead since I need to be awake till tomorrow's dawn but of course being me I slept for 9 hours yesterday's night.Of course, what can stand in between me and sleeping.Sigh.Anyway since I already had enough sleep and I can't sleep anymore I'll just leave it to fate.

Last 2 days was such a failure day for me.I made so many mistakes and so many people were mad at me but I guess I won't learn otherwise.I just need to learn it the hard way.Since I was so miserable that day I was trying hard not to cry and it led to me feeling nausea and the nausea unfortunately stayed on till today.

I was watching cinderella yesterday I think and at that time I was thinking how although fairy tales do have a nice storyline but they are giving out bad message to children.I mean think about it,whenever the heroine in the fairy tales met with trouble there's always a prince who would come to her rescue.I can't be sure but there could be some young girls who grow up believing that in future there'll always be a prince who would come and rescue them when their life became a mess only to realize so much later in life that there would be none.There's no hero for you.In the end there's only you.You can be scared and miserable all you want but at the end of the day only you can rescue yourselves. Of course if you are lucky enough (which I am) you will have people that will always be there to listen to your complaints and whines but even they can't rescue you if you don't work for it cause it's everyone for themselves.I don't know if it's just my belief but when I do have children one day I wish that they will realize it sooner than later that they have to learn to be a hero for themselves from the start cause I learnt it in later part of my life and look where it led me.I don't grow up believing that there'll be a hero for me but it didn't make me start learning to believe and just depend on myself either.I somehow regretted that but it's ok I'll start now.I'll start saving myself from now on.End.