worries and hopes

It's the weekend again and I'm.....I'm still jobless.I don't really mind actually being jobless till now but my parents seemed to mind and I really felt guilty putting burden on them any longer.So, I don't have any updates.That's what you get from a jobless blogger who spent her days eating,watching tv series and sleeping.No update.Oh gosh I have loans to pay.I dreamt of getting an ideal job last night.I don't even know what that ideal job was but I really do felt happy in my dream till I suddenly woke up to the sound of alarm clock.So I woke up cursing to the alarm clock cause the dream was total sweetness.I dreamt of losing my hair a lot more too.It seems the theme of my dreams nowadays is worries and hopes.No, it's actually the theme of my life nowadays.I am losing my hair at a fast rate.My memory seems to fail me even more nowadays.I've always known I'm not the kind of girl who remember dates.I have a hard time remembering birthdays or any other special occasions but despite that there are some selected few dates that I can remember.Like the birthdates of those very special to me.But now even those got screwed up.Can being jobless for long take a toll on your memory?I guess not.I think it's just me.I'm really very amazed with people that is capable to remember a lot.Like how a person still remember how she/he first met their crush or how people seem to remember their childhood days.On another note, my bones all over my body are in pain.In some parts,it had been like a month and a half since I started to feel the pain.My bones seems to be getting rusty.I thought all those milk and milo I drank were supposed to help.That's what I get for not exercising.Yesterday,when I was in the lift at the apartment 2 people came in.I heard one of them say something but I thought she's talking to the other person in the lift.When she repeat her question another 2 times,I realized she was talking to me.That person is a clerk from FOE office whom I really really detest.She's so rude and full of anger,pms and whatnots each time I have to deal with her at MMU.But in the lift,she was so....I think nice is the word and friendly too.I can't even hide the shock in my face but I still manage a conversation with her.I just can't understand how and why she have to have 2 different personalities.I don't even know how she remembered my face too.Anyway that's all for now.Quite a lot from a jobless blogger I must say.Toodles.End.

of sleep

I have a difficult time sleeping these past few weeks.It's not that I couldn't sleep at all but I would spent hours in bed tossing around until I can finally shut my eyes.For someone like me that have the ability to sleep almost everywhere at almost anytime, this is very annoying.Each time I'm about to sleep,without fail I would thought about how much of a dissapointment I am and how my existence alone brings so much trouble to others.I thought about the guilt that I felt for mistreating others and this will usually goes on for a few hours till I can finally sleep only to go through the same things all over again the next day.I don't know whether I'm having one of my depression or I just have too much time in hands with nothing much to think about each day.When I felt the guilt, I would promise myself that tomorrow I would treat other people better but when the next day came, i would forget and my temper would flare without control.I think now that I'm older,my temper had gone to a much lower level.I did though about what I would say before saying anything and consider wether will it hurt the one listening but the temper is still there.Sometimes I just forgot to consider all that before talking.I guess I haven't grown up as much as I should.I'm getting less sensitive now too which in one way is a good thing because it makes me ignore hurtful things that people say to me but in another way I thought that people can take what I say because I can but they can't because people are different.What might not be hurtful to you might be hurtful to other person.I always forget that.Another guilt that I felt is when I purchase something even if it's food. I would have a hard time sleeping when I think about the amount of money that I spent out of my parents pocket.That's where the thought of how big a dissapointment I am kicks in.Although I dread the day when I finally work but i guess it's ok, at least it gave me the financial freedom that I need for me to avoid feeling guilty.I just can't believe all this.At this period of time when I don't have anything to think about other than finding jobs,I still have so many things on my mind and it bothers me like hell.End.

persistent

The sv had been calling me over and over again these few days since raya.Since then, I have been avoiding his calls and text messages.Normally, normal people would understood that I don't want to have any kind of contacts with him again but apparently not him.Now I can safely say that out of all the guys that had approached me in the past and possibly in the future, he is the most persistent guy I've met.Yes, he is sure as hell one persistent man.I don't even know when he will ever give up.I thought he had gave up before but the calls kept coming in.I guess I should just answer the phone and tell him straight on that I don't want to have any contacts with him but I know I'll end up agreeing to what he said or just get extremely frustated after that.So, I took the safest route...to continue ignoring him.I can imagine that for those people that don't know the real story here would probably thought that this man wants me to be his special someone or something of that sort.No.He just want to be my boss.I've never met someone who is as eager as him to want someone else to be his employee.Usually it's the other way around.But, one good thing I can say about him is that this is the exact quality that made him a very good sales/marketing person and I mean it, he is really good.He don't take no for an answer and if we still insist on saying no he'll work his way around by play of words and before we knew it, we were doing exactly what he wants us to do.If there's anyone that wants to pursue a career in sales he is one good mentor.That's if he doesn't show the other side of himself which I would not reveal here since I think I have been saying bad things about him a lot in this blog.It's bad for my moral.Anyway I shall stop here.End.

let's be in speaking terms again

It's been one month since I was done with my studies.I have started looking for jobs but it gets a lot harder and worrying after some time cause I don't know what kind of jobs that I want.I don't know whether I still want to be in this industry or change to a completely different field altogether.A big part of my heart wants to start over in a whole different industry but I don't know what industry that I want to be in.I am scared that my parents won't approve since they might view it as a waste to my degree and all but I have lost some passion in engineering and to be honest I wasn't good in it at all, I never performed before.These are the times that makes me miss the times where all my concern is just my studies.I never really had to make any big decision before.I just go with the flow each time.Even when it's time for me to choose where I want to pursue my tertiary education at,I don't really have to think that much, I just listen to what my heart tells me.But now when I'm about to start the next chapter of my life which happens to be The Crucial Chapter,my heart goes mute.Is it on strike or something?Are my mind and my heart not in speaking terms?Hello heart,tell me something.(I'm a lil bit crazy,can you tell?).I'm confused and frustated with myself.At this point of time when I start to talk with myself that I'm glad that I have a strong support system around me, my family,nobita,friends and of course trimonkeyz.I guess I'm lucky after all.End.